Anxious Enough

I’m not enough of anything. Not funny enough, creative enough, tall enough, short enough, pretty enough, plain enough, really just not enough of anything.

I’m not stating it looking for sympathizers who read this and think, “Oh she doesn’t know her worth! She’s more than enough! In fact, she’s perfect, lets cast her in the next Star Wars as another mysterious female protagonist who’s later revealed to be Kylo Ren’s long lost twin (I know what you’re thinking ‘But that happened in the original trilogy!’ Well I figure Hollywood is so hard up for movie material Disney is recycling all their cartoons, so I KNOW they’ll recycle that plot twist at some point [please don’t make me kiss Kylo Ren before learning he’s my brother, it’s been nearly four decades and a lot of us are still uncomfortable with that Leia moment…]).”

I suppose I’m just shouting it out into the void with hopes that all the other people who aren’t enough know they’re not alone; I mean that’s one of the base human desires, right? And maybe have a salsa party if someone knows how to prepare really good pico de gallo (really I’m just here for the pico de gallo, to be perfectly honest…. someone suggested there might be some here…. That someone might have been me….)

I suppose I ought to dive into the definition of “enough” so I can better explain to the void why I am not, in fact, enough. When I googled “enough” (Because I’m far too lazy to get up to find my actual dictionary on the bookshelf) the first link that popped up was to a wikipedia page for the 2002 J-Lo film about an abused housewife who gets revenge against her dick-stained husband (totally amazing movie, BTW). Scrolling past the IMdB links, I found a dictionary site which defines the adjective as “Adequate for the want or need; sufficient for the purpose or to satisfy desire.”

I’m not creative enough for art. Don’t get me wrong, I love the work I create and produce (I realize now none of you know what I do so here’s the reader’s digest version: I’m currently working for a school district as a floater for a before/after school care program for 11 elementary schools while on the side I’m working on becoming an independent artist creating anything out of zentangle, water color, sketching, oil painting, quilling, photography, and the occasional knitted hat), but my ideas are never 100% creatively original. I am always searching for ideas and inspiration be it online through pinterest and google to visiting art galleries and museums in my travels. I learn/copy techniques to learn and be inspired and incorporate them into my own work and designs. It might sound ridiculous but I feel like I can’t take full credit because it wasn’t 100% creativity by me and only me. I feel like a fraud at times; I worry about the day an angry artist hunts me down and yells about the rose design they’d posted ‘How-to-draw” steps for that I used in my multi-award winning painting hanging in the Louvre (hey, dream big, right?).

Of course some of you think that scenario sounds highly improbable. Well it is, but try telling that to my anxiety (that bitch is way more creative than I can ever dream of being. I should let my anxiety do the creating while I do the selling… Nah, that bitch would insist on taking all the profit and credit and stop creating just to spite me…… Anxiety is a bitch, you guys. You know you’re fucked when your mental illness has more original creativity than you do…).

I’m not sure what my point of this whole post was, but I’m going to go with the flow of my random shouts into the void and discuss my anxiety. My anxiety…….. My anxiety is a bitch (as said above). I imagine my anxiety dressed up like a trashier and more worn down Jessica Rabbit who breathes noxious anxious smoke around me while telling me why I am not enough. My anxiety has been telling me I’m not enough since before I was ever conceived, the very idea of me was not enough for that bitch.

Starting a blog was out of the question for years; my anxiety cackled at the thought, “Oh hell no, you’re not enough to blog about, what the hell is there for you to write? You’re not funny enough, your life isn’t exciting enough, hell you weren’t even good enough for the college paper you joined and wrote two awful articles for before quitting (one of which was basically written by my roommate as it was just all her opinions I had asked for the night before the article was due). You are not enough to become a blogger, Joy.” She said with a puff of smoke and she sashays around me snootily.

The bitch was right, I could feel it. Even in that moment I was staring at the options page in the process of creating a blog on wordpress.com trying not to have a complete meltdown. The bitch laughed at me for the entire day as I avoided looking at the open tab, I couldn’t make up my mind on what kind of blog I was supposed to make! The options were so diverse and separated from one another, health and wellness was separate from fashion and lifestyle as well as Media and entertainment. I wanted to be all of them! I didn’t want to choose just one, I wasn’t good enough for any of them!

The bitch was peering behind my shoulder about to blow more anxious smoke when I muttered, “Fuck it!” and chose “writing”. That’s really all I want to do is write about anything and everything and nothing at all. Just a place where I can shout into the void. My anxiety was in shock, the bitch choked on her own anxious smoke while I smirked and began to think, “I’m definitely anxious enough.”

So let the writing commence! *Cue inspirational music*

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