“What is in a name? That which we call a troll. By any other name would also smell like feet?”
-Bastardized Shakespeare provided by yours truly
So I’m sure that at least 2 out of the 3 people who read this blog (those two people might very well be my parents…) are probably wondering what the hell a ‘Wandless Wanderer’ is. If you’re anything like me (doubtful) your first thought would be, “Harry Potter reject loses $50 souvenir wand from Florida vacation.” Well you and myself would be wrong in that assumption!
My father goes through phases of interest not unlike I do. He’s always finding new hobbies to explore and ways to create and learn. His most recent adventure in exploration has been diving into our familial history and growing out our vast family tree. Not a week would go by where I wouldn’t get at least 10 texts about the various crazy ancestors he’s dug up that I’m related to. Let me give you a quick list of the cool cats I’m related to (I’d include how I’m related to them but that would mean logging into Ancestry.com and following the confusing lines of the family map and doing the math to figure out whether they’re first cousin, second, third, or last place in the race. I’m sure my father is grumbling as he reads this and thinking “I gave her all the information already! Why did we ever agree to trade the gypsies our moonshine for this stupid girl! Well she does draw pretty pictures…. And she does answer my texts to come refill my drinks….. Okay We’ll keep her for now.”):
Charlemagne (who isn’t related to him?)
Edgar Allen Poe (Thus quote the Raven “That girl is a nerd”)
Paris and Hector of Troy (Totally explains my affinity for crushing on guys who are already taken…..)
There are more but those are the ones that stand out in my mind when I’m having awkward small talk with people around ancestry (yes, awkward small talk about ancestry with me happens way more than you’d think…).
During one of my father’s many discoveries, we found an ancestor named Elspeth Wandless. I saw the name jump out at me and immediately thought, “I’M RELATED TO A WITCH!” Because any name out of the ordinary that includes the word “wand” obviously must mean witchcraft!
My dad gave me his usual small smile with an eyebrow raised before sighing, “I highly doubt it…” but I think he was just lying because he didn’t want me to find out he’d thrown out my Hogwarts acceptance letters (He better have at least recycled them…).
I talked to my cousin a few days later, who related to me that ‘Wandless’ was essentially a scottish term for “unfortunate” (AKA the wand represents a dick and something shitty happened and now you are left without a dick. You are dickless, but we’ll call it ‘wandless’ to make it sound more mystical and less crass).
Hammer on the nail for me to be related to someone with a last name that means unfortunately dickless, not to say that I desire to have a penis but I have suffered my misfortunes.
The name stuck with me, I added the ‘wanderer’ at the end given how much time I spend by myself wandering and wondering about my misfortunes.
Fuck it’s time for me to try and end this post eloquently again….. I really do suck at this, it’s giving me PTSD flashbacks to college writing essays and trying to find a smooth way to conclude.
This isn’t a fucking essay and I’m not being graded so I will end it in however way I choose; with a naughty word: tits *childish giggle*