I feel heavy. But not like weight heavy (I mean I know I’m “heavy” but by an ant’s standard [well maybe not an ‘and’ as I’ve heard they can carry a damn lot of weight….. scratch my comparison]). I feeling completely weighted down by world, by society, by life, feelings, everything.
The shootings that have occurred this weekend, both in Orlando and Christina Grimmie’s untimely death, have left me absent of words. Just weighted.
The last few days have knocked all the motivation right out of me. I gave up on my week’s FitBit challenge with my friends, too heavy to keep moving forward and gaining more steps. The week before I hit my best record of 89,637 steps in one week, this week I barely made it by 45K, I felt too heavy to keep trying.
I spent most of my weekend in bed, which doesn’t sound to out-of-the norm because it’s the last weekend before summer break so everyone naturally assumed I was soaking up all the lazy time I can get before summer gets into full swing. I didn’t have the heart to tell anyone that I couldn’t get up because I was too heavy from the weight of external problems, that and I wanted to avoid the world because it’s being rather stupid right now…
My heart aches, my eyes are swollen and raw from rubbing tears away, my throat is sore from failing to hold back tears, and my spirit is too raw to accurately pretend that everything is fine. So many people are now dead, because someone thought they knew better and that lives were worthless. How do I begin wrapping my mind around that logic? How does anyone?
Were I a good enough musician, I’d pour my heart out into strains of sound and let it play. Were I a better artist, I’d paint my tears and sorrows into a mural for everyone to see beauty and love still exist.
But in my state of heaviness, all I can do is write this for the friends and families of all victims of violence: I dream of the day I wake up and find no news of gun violence. My heart goes out to all the friends and families of victims, I weep tears for them, I hope for better days for them.