I have been very unsure about everything in my life, no more so than I have been unsure of this blog.
I started it as a therapeutic tool, a place where I could shout into the void about my weird life and my ongoing struggle with mental illness. Never did I think that the void would shout back…
I’m overwhelmed by the support I’ve received on this blog, the mental health community is so full of love and acceptance for anyone struggling. It’s beautiful how many people relate with one another and send out messages of support to complete strangers. I have yet to find a community more full of warm love than this one.
It scares me from my toes to my scalp that people are reading my words; I’m aware that this is my site and there is zero pressure from anyone to post anything, but my bitch of an anxiety has gone into full greedy manager mode, “IF YOU DONT POST SOMETHING AMAZING PROFOUND EVERYDAY THEN YOU ARE LETTING DOWN HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE!!!!!” She screams in my ear, pacing wildly around pointing to the clock going, “Tick Tock time to write a blog!”
I put so much pressure on myself internally, finding invisible responsibility to weigh down my shoulders. Over the weekend I found myself panicking, actually listening to my anxiety bitch on about how this is going to fail, so I should quit and run now. I laid in bed as I stared at the blank draft screen feeling absolutely fake and wrong, that I was only pretending to be a good writer, I felt like I didn’t have anything to share. I wanted to delete this blog, so badly, just to spare myself from potentially disappointing anyone, “Because you will.” The bitch sighed.
I am fortunate to have wonderfully encouraging friends, who can help pull my head out the dark so I can see things clearly, who help me tell my bitchy anxiety to fuck off and leave me alone. They all told me I was wrong, that my blog was something that was needed. My friend Doc described me as ‘weaponized Joy’, in that I use humor to combat anxiety and use my own joy to fight back the dark thoughts that pervade myself and society.
I’ve never taken myself too seriously, always afraid that I’d disappoint myself and others if I were. But in not taking myself serious, I learned to be humble and to love the imperfections that society frowns upon. I found my joy in my constant search for humor even in the dark. I use my joy as a weapon against those dark thoughts and people who would hurt others by putting them down. Doesn’t mean I don’t get banged up in the process, but I’m going to use this blog as a platform to shout my pain and joy out into the void and share my battles in hopes that other comrades will join me in weaponizing their own joy.
Now if you will excuse me, I’m gonna enjoy some weed and smoke the bitch out.