I can never apologize enough. Something rude I said a few days ago? I’m sorry. I accidentally tripped you two years ago? I’m sorry. Twenty miles away a small child sneezes loudly in church? I am so sorry.
I joke that it’s because I’m Canadian. There’s some truth there, the culture of Canada is very firm about consideration towards others. 90% of the tie I’m more concerned about how other people are enjoying their day than I care for my own comfort.
Really though? Sometimes I feel like I’m unintentionally apologizing for my existence. Someone goes out of their way to get me something special for me? I automatically say something along the lines of, “I’m sorry, you didn’t have to do that for me!” I don’t think I’m intentionally trying to make up for my existence or feel like a burden, I just do. I can’t put a finger on why though.
These are just some musings I’ve had as of late. I seem to be having more and more anxiety over asking people to do favors for me, or just people being kind in general. It’s not that I’m used to people being mean (quite the opposite, I have loving family and friends), but lately I’ve found myself feeling embarrassed when people go out of their way for myself.
It’s hard to explain fully without contradicting myself; basically my problem is that I go out of my way for other people without batting an eyelash, but when people do the same for me… I immediately internally curl into an uncomfortable ball of “Oh god I’m so difficult and inconvenient someone euthanize me with an arsenic cocktail before it’s too late!”
So yeah… this likely comes back to my issue of being in the spotlight (see my post ‘Spontaneous Spotlight’ for the further adventures of a socially anxious Canadian potato), I don’t deal with personal attention well AT ALL. So much for my dreams of being adopted by the Kardashians, a dynasty built by fostering personal attention/fame.
I read the signs, I hear the lectures, I watch stories of women overcoming oppression. I don’t think my ‘Sorrys’ come from being oppressed, nor from a place where I feel the world would be better without my existence (let’s be real, I’m named after a prime positive emotion, the world would suck without me personifying Joy). I think my sorry’s just sort of come from a general, “I hope you didn’t have to go really far out of your way or struggle to complete this special thing for me, I appreciate you for just trying.” I doubt the message comes through, but to myself I feel slightly better (wait, maybe this is a sign of OCD? That’s another rambling blog post for another night though).
This was really random and long and rambly, I will now sincerely not apologize. Because this is my fucking blog and you chose to read this, you only have yourself to blame for the time you wasted. If that makes you upset, well tough titties!