I think the moment I stopped being uncomfortable with myself was the moment I stopped trying to be anything. I cut off expectations, I changed perceptions, and I took ahold of my identity and personality in a way that made me feel like an individual rather than a copy of something else. I learned how to just ‘be’, which is harder than winning a volleyball match with both hands tied behind your back; you end up falling and getting hit in the face a lot.
I’m still learning how to just ‘be’, I’m always wanting to improve or change something about myself. I want to learn how to line dance, but I’m too anxious to got to a country bar and try in front of strangers. I want to try to be bilingual like most people are, but finding people to practice with who aren’t strangers is impossible. I have an intense, innate desire to learn new things to better myself, to always be trying to make myself better. I was always trying to ‘be’ something.
When I stopped trying to be different things, I felt pressure relieve over a short period of time. I allowed myself to sit for hours doing nothing but read, rewatch favorite movies/tv shows, meander through the wetlands and try and count how many different bird calls I hear. I learned that I have an intense desire to be solitary, but I want to have connection with people at the same time. I really enjoy texting and instant messaging friends and colleagues while I’m alone, as it gives me the time and breathing room to formulate decent human responses that won’t have them thinking “Did another loony escape from the booby hatch again?”
I have a deep abiding love for human connection, for watching how people interact with one another and studying the behaviors that make them… well…. human. People watching is easy to do from my apartment window, also messing with battling Pokemon at the gym located just outside my apartment is a never-ending source of entertainment.
I love randomly driving around and listening to music; any road that is heavily wooded and teeming with flora and fauna is my bread and butter. I’m all about any place that can transport me instantly to another world, real or no, in my imagination.
Learning how to just be is a never ending lesson in life. Being is surprisingly hard to do, even more so when you’re trying to be something you’re certainly not (and you always know when you’re not). I started learning how to be by muting all of my expectations, both internal and external, for myself. They’re still hanging out in the background, but they’re no longer a guiding force in how I exist. I started letting myself be naturally drawn to things such as activities, stores, parks, books, movies, conversation, people. I learned how to just let myself be in moments I was not obligated to be anything else, and slowly I felt myself shift more into what I’m starting to believe is my true self (God help us all).
Okay, enough babbling. Time for me to ‘be’ and rewatch The Lost World for the billionth time (Because watching genetically modified prehistoric beasts mauling and punishing humanity for their stupidity will never not be vastly satisfying to me).