This is how a heart breaks

I lost my best friend today. I realize that makes it sound like he’s dead, he’s not, he just blocked me on Facebook so we’re no longer in contact. I lost him. In the worst possible way I can imagine.

It’s hard to be there for someone who doesn’t really want or need you there. It’s even more impossible to be there for someone who won’t tell you when they need you. I like to think I’m magical with my tarot cards, but I’m far from telepathic.

He’s struggling, hard. Lots of things going on in his life making it hard to slug through. I get that and I see that. I want to help him through that.

I’m a smiles come first kind of person. I love to make people laugh and smile, my name is Joy so naturally I work to pass along positive vibes, especially to the people I love. Being serious doesn’t come easy for me, because I learned early on that serious things often gave off negative vibes that I wasn’t happy being around. So when someone needs a serious conversation with me, they have to warn me beforehand so I can get into the mindset of taking someone seriously.

When people have serious conversations with me, I’m more often quiet and contemplative. I like to take in whats being said and process it first, otherwise my foot will shove itself in my mouth and I will make an inappropriate joke and then I’m the asshole. So it takes a few steps for me to participate in serious interactions and conversations.

When I see my friends struggling, I want to be there for them. I love and care for them too much not to want to help them through their pain. But this time, he didn’t want me to be there for him.

I can’t type out what exactly went wrong, because that’s a private and painful moment that needs to be kept between the two of us (and my therapist). I also can’t type it out because I’m not even sure what actually did go wrong. All I really know is that I wanted to be there for someone who didn’t want me to be there for them. At least that’s what I’m interpreting on my side here.

No one told me the absolute agony of losing a friend because you’re too there for them. My other best friend, Amy, held me as I sobbed about how badly I wanted to help him and be there for him, but every way I knew how to do that was upsetting to him. Amy made the age old, yet still very true, point that you can’t make someone want to be friends with you, and that if you’re trying your hardest and doing the best you can for that person and they make you feel unwelcome in return, than that’s not someone you want in your life.

And that’s where the agony comes in, I want him in my life. He’s my person. He changed my life after I graduated University and my life was spiraling rapidly out of control. He got me to go seek a psychologist, he texted me every day until I made my first therapist appointment, he listened when I was hurting and wanted to make it all die. He doesn’t know it, but he saved my life that summer. And now he’s gone.

You can’t make someone be your friend, you also can’t make someone stay your friend. It’s just so hard and painful that he doesn’t want to be my friend because I want to be his friend too much. It’s a form of rejection I never considered happening in my life.

My anxiety’s smoke is attempting to suffocate me, trying to convince me that I’m better off not being friends with anyone because I’ll annoy and bother and upset them. She’s obnoxiously whispering in my ear, “You’re unwelcome, you’re unwanted”. It would be so easy for me to nod my head and say, “You’re right, let’s fly to asteroid B612 and help the Little Prince dig up the baobabs.”

But that would be selfish and wrong and irritatingly stupid. I have other friends and people who love and care about me. I have many who welcome my love and friendship, they know it’s unconditional and I am there for them. I’m comforted knowing I’m not going to be all alone, but I’ve still got to go through this heartbreak.

I don’t think I’ve ever really had my heart broken before today. I’ve had nasty break ups, I’ve had infuriating girl fights, I’ve taken on entire university departments. None of those things prepared me for real heart break. Being cut off for wanting to be a good friend is the worst possible form of heartbreak I have ever experienced.

So in the words of Rob Thomas, “This is all I can take, this is how a heart breaks”

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