Stoned thought of the day

I think a lot of people, not everyone, believe that they’re the sun. That they provide light for every person in their orbit. They’re trapped in their own perspective of being the center, that everything else orbits around them.

It’s a grave mistake for them to assume that the rest of humanity around them are mere planets, thinking everyone depends on their light to be the only that illuminates their days.

I am not a planet. I am my own sun amongst a universe of star disguised suns.

Don’t let others assume that you depend on their light for your days, be your own sun.

“But sometimes your light attracts moths and your warmth attracts parasites. Protect your  space and energy”

-Warsan Shire

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Weaponized Joy

I have been very unsure about everything in my life, no more so than I have been unsure of this blog.

I started it as a therapeutic tool, a place where I could shout into the void about my weird life and my ongoing struggle with mental illness. Never did I think that the void would shout back…

I’m overwhelmed by the support I’ve received on this blog, the mental health community is so full of love and acceptance for anyone struggling. It’s beautiful how many people relate with one another and send out messages of support to complete strangers. I have yet to find a community more full of warm love than this one.

It scares me from my toes to my scalp that people are reading my words; I’m aware that this is my site and there is zero pressure from anyone to post anything, but my bitch of an anxiety has gone into full greedy manager mode, “IF YOU DONT POST SOMETHING AMAZING PROFOUND EVERYDAY THEN YOU ARE LETTING DOWN HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE!!!!!” She screams in my ear, pacing wildly around pointing to the clock going, “Tick Tock time to write a blog!”

I put so much pressure on myself internally, finding invisible responsibility to weigh down my shoulders. Over the weekend I found myself panicking, actually listening to my anxiety bitch on about how this is going to fail, so I should quit and run now. I laid in bed as I stared at the blank draft screen feeling absolutely fake and wrong, that I was only pretending to be a good writer, I felt like I didn’t have anything to share. I wanted to delete this blog, so badly, just to spare myself from potentially disappointing anyone, “Because you will.” The bitch sighed.

I am fortunate to have wonderfully encouraging friends, who can help pull my head out the dark so I can see things clearly, who help me tell my bitchy anxiety to fuck off and leave me alone. They all told me I was wrong, that my blog was something that was needed. My friend Doc described me as ‘weaponized Joy’, in that I use humor to combat anxiety and use my own joy to fight back the dark thoughts that pervade myself and society.

I’ve never taken myself too seriously, always afraid that I’d disappoint myself and others if I were. But in not taking myself serious, I learned to be humble and to love the imperfections that society frowns upon. I found my joy in my constant search for humor even in the dark. I use my joy as a weapon against those dark thoughts and people who would hurt others by putting them down. Doesn’t mean I don’t get banged up in the process, but I’m going to use this blog as a platform to shout my pain and joy out into the void and share my battles in hopes that other comrades will join me in weaponizing their own joy.

Now if you will excuse me, I’m gonna enjoy some weed and smoke the bitch out.

Clair de Lune, the clouds, and a joint

I feel so low and small, but in the best possible way. I’m sitting in my chair listening to a piano playlist, I’m staring out my window and watching clouds change into multiple shapes as they past by. I feel so happy to enjoy the uncontrollable, untouchable natural beauty of this planet and galaxy. There’s so much media to distract us from the world outside that has been here long before we were, and will continue to reign long after we pass.

A cloud just past by, it started out as a caterpillar. Then it slowly changed into an elephant, who smiled so wide that it made me believe it was happy. Then it turned into a pointing chimpanzee, which was a rather uncomfortable transition as it involved the trunk of the elephant detaching. Then the monkey became a boxing bear, before the cloud disappeared all together.

If you think I’m stoned, you’re not wrong. I smoked part of a joint earlier to calm some frayed nerves after overcoming anxiety earlier. Any person with social anxiety will understand the sheer amount of nerves it takes to explore uncharted social territory for the first time.

I have never mailed a package. I’ve never been to the post office alone, in the past I’ve gone with my mother or father, nowadays I go with my boyfriend when he’s around. Going by myself has never been an option for me. I always went with other people so they could do the talking for me, I was always terrified I’d do the wrong thing and look like a complete moron in front of strangers (why does this matter to me? It doesn’t, but my bitchy anxiety makes it matter…).

Thanks to my professional procrastination, I had to mail out a cheque this morning for renter’s insurance (YAY ADULTING!!!!) and couldn’t find my roll of postage stamps ANYWHERE. My anxiety was lounging the corning blowing her smoke while I searched all the obvious places, “Gonna call mommy to take you to the postal office?” She cooed, “You only brought this on your lazy self.” Did I mention that my anxiety is a bitch?

I got dressed and stomped out of my apartment, refusing to acknowledge the bitch in the room. At that point I just moved on autopilot, I went and got in my car and drove to the postal office, conveniently down the street.

Now I could makeup a super epic story of the bitch showing up and my having a showdown with her and winning victoriously, brandishing my postage stamp in victory as I road out in style; but it wasn’t that exciting. It was way easy, I just went in and asked for stamps and paid. I finished the task in less than 30 seconds. I did, however, ride out in style while blasting We Didn’t Start The Fire (I know, so cool right?)

After getting my mail sorted out, I took a few drags of a joint and settled down. While it’s always a satisfying victory overcoming the bitch, it was still exhausting as hell. But sitting here now and listening to Clair de Lune, I feel an overwhelming peace that I have not found in weeks. I give thanks for the simple things, a tune of music and the glorious natural world around me.

Now excuse me while I sip on cranberry juice like its fine wine and try to tell what the clouds are telling me (I’m still a little stoned).

Notes from a strange mind

I’ve been exploring the world with wide, curious brown eyes for my entire life. I always had words to describe what I thought about, felt about, and how I reacted to the world, but never enough for a decent story or essay or whatever. I’ve collected these notes my entire life, both digitally and on scraps of paper. Here are some of my favorites:

I can’t kill myself, there are far too many Marvel Movies I have yet to see.

I’m trying to fix my life but sometimes it’s like standing on a ladder on a wet hillside

Lady Gaga dresses yogurt-y

It’s not that life is too short. It’s just that it’s full of distracting pointless crap.

Sci-Fi thriller about babies bred for celebrities looking to adopt

I am an artist. I like to make things more beautiful, noticeable. Why is it that I am applauded for doing so for painted objects, but when I do so on myself using makeup I am condemned as vain? Double standard.

Fear is just a feeling. Fear can never kill you. But it can warn you about something that’s about to kill you, like spiders, or Ghost Face.

Marry someone who doesn’t care about your personal hygiene habits.

Dastardly is a word I don’t use often enough in my regular vernacular.

I love the illusion of being pursued

People are people who are people, treat them as such.

I think when we die, our souls sort of go everywhere at once.

Can one make money by auctioning off personal space?

I love Kaiju films, there’s satisfaction in watching humanity pay for their mistakes.

Follow your heart, whatever happens, just do it. It might take you down some questionable roads and dark alleyways, but eventually it will get you where you’re meant to be.

I hate that I don’t look like Blake Lively

What would happen if I published a novel and sold the film rights to a porn studio?

I won’t change my last name unless I marry someone which a cooler name than mine. Like Hiddleston, or Boyega…

What can I say that hasn’t been said before?

I feel heavy. But not like weight heavy (I mean I know I’m “heavy” but by an ant’s standard [well maybe not an ‘and’ as I’ve heard they can carry a damn lot of weight….. scratch my comparison]). I feeling completely weighted down by world, by society, by life, feelings, everything.

The shootings that have occurred this weekend, both in Orlando and Christina Grimmie’s untimely death, have left me absent of words. Just weighted.

The last few days have knocked all the motivation right out of me. I gave up on my week’s FitBit challenge with my friends, too heavy to keep moving forward and gaining more steps. The week before I hit my best record of 89,637 steps in one week, this week I barely made it by 45K, I felt too heavy to keep trying.

I spent most of my weekend in bed, which doesn’t sound to out-of-the norm because it’s the last weekend before summer break so everyone naturally assumed I was soaking up all the lazy time I can get before summer gets into full swing. I didn’t have the heart to tell anyone that I couldn’t get up because I was too heavy from the weight of external problems, that and I wanted to avoid the world because it’s being rather stupid right now…

My heart aches, my eyes are swollen and raw from rubbing tears away, my throat is sore from failing to hold back tears, and my spirit is too raw to accurately pretend that everything is fine. So many people are now dead, because someone thought they knew better and that lives were worthless. How do I begin wrapping my mind around that logic? How does anyone?

Were I a good enough musician, I’d pour my heart out into strains of sound and let it play. Were I a better artist, I’d paint my tears and sorrows into a mural for everyone to see beauty and love still exist.

But in my state of heaviness, all I can do is write this for the friends and families of all victims of violence: I dream of the day I wake up and find no news of gun violence. My heart goes out to all the friends and families of victims, I weep tears for them, I hope for better days for them.

 

Jenny Lawson approved!

If people were only characterized upon whether they were a cat or a dog, I’d be fucked. I’d be a mutation of the two, but not a cute one like a cat that’s as big as a dog or a dog as graceful as a cat. No, I’d be the fucked up runt with floppy ears, long snout, judgmental cat eyes, and the uncanny ability to misjudge distance between platforms and jump and fall to the ground. It would be disappointing to say the least.

The reason I bring up comparisons to feline and canine breeds is that I realized that I literally have zero cool. I like to think I’m cool, I LOVE it in fact. I’ll occasionally have a good face and hair day and rock the perfect set of sunglasses and feel ready to take on rathtars. Then shit like today happens:

I posted a photo on instagram of myself goofily holding up Jenny Lawson’s new book, Furiously Happy, up to my face to make it look as though the lower half of my face was a maniacal smiling raccoon. My anxiety stared and muttered, “You’re such a loser,” In a deadpan tone, but I didn’t care at that point. I’d had a damn good day, thanks to my introversion I’d avoided paying a locksmith $300 to unstick my car key from the ignition (see my last post if you’re out of the loop), so I celebrated with wine, pot (I live in Washington, it’s legal!), voracious reading, watching Miranda with Susan, and going to the market to buy more wine.

I was in line at Walgreens, bottle of chardonnay tucked under my arm holding doritos while holding my phone in the other. Suddenly, my home screen glowed and I saw this message:

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My internal voice was complete white noise, I was having a total out of body experience. I was vaguely aware of someone screaming “THE BLOGGESS APPROVES!!!!!” but because I was out of my body I swore up and down that it couldn’t have possibly been me screaming, I was out my body at the moment! Unfortunately, my body was being rude and continuing on without me. My anxiety was standing outside the store looking in at me from the window mouthing, “LOSER!!!!!!!” To me. Mortification set in as I returned to my present circumstances, I paid for my things without looking at the cashier and scurried out and into my car.

I sat and stared for a moment, the mortification still coursing through my body as my anxiety smoked wildly in the backseat remising the good old days when, “You could enter a store and buy alcohol without screaming non sequiturs out to the general public. You’ll never be able to go in there again, you know?”

I couldn’t even muster up the energy to tell her to fuck off, Jenny Lawson not only saw my photo but SHE LIKED IT! That may mean nothing to a lot of people, but BOY did that mean something to me. I mean this blog was inspired a lot by her writing and her boldness to be out and proud about her mental illnesses. My heart swelled and I drowned out my anxiety’s bitching as I took a screen shot and furiously began typing on my phone.

“What are you doing?” My anxiety droned from the back seat, puffing out some smoke as she eyed my furious thumbs.

“Posting another instagram.” I murmured

“What th-NO! YOU ARE NOT POSTING A SCREENSHOT!”

“HEY! The account has MY name on it so I will post what I damn well feel!”

I posted the screenshot explaining what had happened in the store and posted the photo, tagging Jenny again in hopes she’d see and get a laugh out of the little fuck up (I mean really, I think she of all people would appreciate my moment(s) of insanity).

I was pulling into my parking space at my apartment when anxious smoke suddenly surrounded me, “You’re so desperate for attention you posted a screenshot of a person liking a photo. You’re like a dog that annoying jumps and yips for attention.”

I groaned and rested my head on the steering wheel, “But it’s a funny story and I want her to know and laugh!”

“You do this with everyone,” the bitch purred, blowing smoke right into my face, “Every time someone you like shows you a little bit of positive attention, you lose the fake ‘cool’ act and become a bitch in heat, rolling over and showing your belly. You’re embarrassing yourself.”

I paused my breathing, refusing to breath in the smoke and let it cloud over me. I closed my eyes and opened the door quickly, grabbing my things and marching up to my apartment, “I’m spreading smiles and chuckles and fun. What do they call a girl who tries to pull people down to her level to make herself feel better?” I smirked at my waning anxiety, “A bitch.”

YouTube saved me $300 (and I met an author!)

“Life is like a box of disasters, you never know what you’re gonna face…”

-Bastardized Forrest Gump quote by yours truly

I went to bed and woke up in the same state: alone. Gloriously alone and happy to stretch my limbs and taking up the entire space of my queen size bed. I hate the stereotype that being alone is sad and depressing, for me it can be absolute paradise. It’s only been within the last year that I’ve reached a place where I’m comfortable discussing my preference and love of long periods of solitude.

I spent the entire morning by myself, not feeling in a mood to be social, but happy to be relaxing in bed watching various episodes of New Girl and Gilmore girls before my restlessness finally drew me out of bed and into my bathroom to shower quick and begin my makeup routine (Long rambling sentences strike again!).

I love makeup, I grew up vastly curious and captivated by it when I found it in my mother’s drawers and cupboards (I snooped a lot as a child, I blame it on curiosity). Then I went through a strange period in high school where I completely rejected it. I wouldn’t touch the stuff, considering myself a cut above all the other giggly high school stereotypes as I spent my cast on really weird random cat candles, cubic zirconia chokers, varying glittery fruit and animal earrings, and enough books to fill a library.

I loved books, I worshipped any moment my parents would take me  to the store and I could choose one or two (my dad always spoiled me with more, always encouraging me with a side whisper and nudge to get whatever I wanted). Makeup was considered frivolous in my family so I completely rejected it for many years in favor of buying random objects and books.

Falling in love with makeup was a slow process, not unlike how I deal with all of my relationships. Although I was dead set on completely rejecting it, I was still curious and captivated. I was curious by the transformations I saw women go through. It wasn’t until I began exploring my interest in all art and media that I truly explored my passion for makeup.

Today, I spent a glorious hour making up my face into a lovely natural look accentuating my natural features, all of it by my own hand and creativity. You have no idea how satisfying it is to say that. I made myself look beautiful, no one else but myself. I used my own skin as a canvas and made myself feel beautiful, turned into a piece of my own art. If anyone thought I wasn’t, I couldn’t have cared less.

I wore a simple ripped up Downton Abbey T-shirt with a skirt and treated to myself to a shake and drove around listening to music on various radio stations and my phone. I don’t know if anyone else does this, but I relish long drives by myself where I crank up the music and either sing at the top of my lungs or just listen and soak up the sound.

I found myself driving towards Third Place Books, a favorite shop of mine I often get lost in when I’m feeling restless for inspiration and imagination. After a long trek throughout the aisles of the store, I found Jenny Lawson’s new book Furiously Happy smiling up at me with the wide happy face of Rory the Raccoon on the cover (if this sentence seems insane to you than obviously you haven’t read or heard of Jenny Lawson and I am very sorry and sad for your empty days [AKA go find the book and read it because it’s FUCKING AMAZING]).

Upon approaching the registers of the store, I recognized one of the assistants from Emerald City Comic Con. I attend every year, and this year I attended a panel full of strong female authors, and she was definitely one of them! I stood in line struggling internally, my mother, an assistant librarian at a middle school, adored this author’s book, Hold Me Closer Necromancer. But my anxiety was right behind me whispering, “What if that’s the wrong author? What if you assume she’s the wrong person?”

I continued to struggle until it looked like another assistant was about to be free to help me. I relaxed until suddenly the author beckoned me to come to her register for check out. I swallowed as I approached and laid Furiously Funny down on the counter, “Great choice!” the authored said. I nodded as my anxiety snidely sneered, “Please for once, don’t be awkward!”

“Would it be totally awkward if I asked if I your panel at Emerald City Comic Con?” I blurted out faster than a homeless man answers “YES!” to “Do you want free socks?”

The author looked up, her expression unreadable, “No, I’ve gotten similar comments before,” She said simply, as if it was fairly chill and casual. I smiled and laughed, “I was hoping it was okay. My mother is an assistant librarian at a middle school, she loves your books and always sells it to students to read.”

The author (I should mention her name by now, it’s Lish McBride and she is super awesome!) smiled and told me, “PLEASE give her a big hug for me! I’ve got a panel at Geek Girl Con coming up.” I told her I’d be there and smiled on my way out, chuckling at the aghast expression on my anxiety’s face as the bitch slinked away into the dark while I drove off into the sunset.

I didn’t feel ready to return to my apartment, I was enjoying being alone in public (anyone with anxiety would understand how rare it is to feel that way). So I took the long way over to the public library, where they had tall windows that let in the natural light with comfortable couches that I could curl up on to enjoy my new book. I pulled up to a perfect parking space beside the library, glowing in anticipation of finding an excellent seat. I shifted into park and turned the ignition off, but my key seemed dead set on staying stuck in it. I tugged at them furiously for several minutes, staring wide eyed as I twisted my wrist furiously to try and loosen them without letting the rest of my body betray how panicked I was growing.

I swallowed hard when it sank in that I had parked in front of 3 sets of wide windows beside the library where a few people were set up. I never directly looked up to inspect any of them, but that bitch, anxiety, returned and assured me from the back seat , “They’re definitely watching! Not to interrupt you but you should really be aware that they’re judging your skills as a human being! Which you suck at by the way!”

I gritted my teeth, “Fine, bitch. I wanted to go home anyways…”

Fortunately, I could still start my car and drive. While my anxiety was obnoxiously blowing smoke in the back seat, my head logically thought out the next few steps: Get into my building’s parking garage, find a space, try to turn off car and wrench key out. the first three steps were followed through successfully, the last was another fail. I sighed as I called my older brother, who was always my first line of defense when my anxiety arose in the face of any level of impending disaster.

My brother calmly talked me through some suggestions, none of which worked. Hearing my anxiety, he suggested I call AAA, who were likely to easily help me out. Hanging up, I sat in my car in the dark parking garage for a long moment, feeling anxious and frustratingly out of options. I didn’t want to bother my father, who would laugh at me and give me grief for the state of my messy car (which I totally deserve, I’ve got fast-food bags EVERYWHERE), and AAA would mean having to interact with strangers and I just wasn’t feeling up for it. With a sigh, I got out of my car and climbed up to my apartment to do some self-research.

My father always encouraged my brother and myself to problem solve as we grew up, to try and figure things out on our own without any other guidance. At the time it seemed like a grueling frustrating obstacle course, but now it was pure instinct. Getting into my apartment, I went straight for my computer and consulted my beloved butler Google, who served me up a video with a couple of suggestions. I ran back down to my car and tried all the suggestions, none of them worked.

I exhaled in frustration and ran back up to my apartment, thinking to myself that this felt like karma for my not completing my 10,000 FitBit steps for the past two days (don’t judge! My depression caught up to me and left me in bed). I did a few more google searches, growing more specific when I finally found a video made my my new BFF Nick Oldham, who also owns a 2006 Ford Focus!

My anxiety hadn’t completely asphyxiated me with her anxious smoke, but she was definitely present throughout my endeavor murmuring with bitchy annoyance, “God AAA is going to think you’re such a spazz. This is like the third time you’ll have called them this year. Enjoy the judgement!”

I ran down to my car desperately, hoping to all gods and deities that this would work, one website had quoted $300 for a locksmith to remove a stuck key from a car ignition. I approached my car when the thought floated across my mind, “It’s damn good timing for you to start a blog two days ago, this will make for a good post”.

I opened my car and followed the instructions from Monsieur Oldham’s video when VOILA! My key came out and my panic and anxiety were gone!

“YASSSSS!!!!!” I screeched, jumping out of my car and clicking my heels with a little jump as I slammed the door and went back up to my apartment. I celebrated with a glass of wine at 2 PM, I figured I deserved it after all I DID THAT ALL BY MY FUCKING SELF! After a long struggle with understanding my anxiety, I’ve learned to relish the moments I can do things alone without the interference of others.

Too tired to go back out in public, I took off my bra and enjoyed my wine in bed while reading my new book, glowing with the happiness of an independent lady who knows how to take care of herself (but is unafraid to admit she needs help from others sometimes as well). I smiled as I curled up on my bed and cracked open my book, propping it open in my lap as I sipped my wine.

It’s insane to me how different I enjoy my day from other people. I know that for some people, a day is not full and satisfactory without a schedule full of activities to keep one busy and engaged in social interaction. Yeah….. I’d rather hug a cactus every day. I got out of bed, made myself feel beautiful, found a great book, interacted successfully with a great author, and solved a problem all by myself. This day was more full and satisfactory for me before 12 AM than most celebrities have in a life time. AND IT ISN’T EVEN OVER YET!!!!!

In an hour I’m visiting Susan (she’s my mother’s best friend who’s like my great aunt but due to recent traumas we are both now best friends) to watch Miranda and have a giddy time discussing everything we’re uncomfortable talking to other’s about. Like Diana Barry and Anne Shirley, she’s my bosom buddy (If you don’t get the reference YOU DON’T DESERVE TO KNOW ME!!!! [That’s a lie, you can get to know me, but expect a wee bit of judgment/pressure from me to force you to watch Anne of Green Gables {Spoiler alert: It’s amazing}]).

Given the positive flow this day has gone, I’ve chosen to name this the first day that I am Furiously Happy and will continue to strive to be so every day onwards. VIVA LA FURIOUSLY HAPPY!